What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
