so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize