Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
