This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
