I like to think it a success when the cops are called
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
