he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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