plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
