My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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