I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
