I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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