saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
