i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
