I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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