Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
