Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
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