Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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