walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
