I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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