This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
It's shark week go big or go home
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
