I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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