I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
