your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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