dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
