I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Randomize
