I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
