pedialite and red bull = repair kit
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
