somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
