We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
