I'm laying in your front yard are you home
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
