every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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