Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
