the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
