I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
