trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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