Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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