If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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