Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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