Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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