the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
