last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
