I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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