she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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