I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
