Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
