Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
