He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
