Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
