You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
