I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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