Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
