What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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