We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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