I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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