Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Randomize
