my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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