Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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