i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
