I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
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